When I fail, I get disappointed and depressed. And then I get annoyed that I'm disappointed and depressed for some "stupid" reason, blah blah blah. It's really a vicious cycle because I always feel like the answer is moving on to some other good idea, which usually involves some aspect of making someone else happy in one way or another.
Let me list some examples of my best intentions.. so then this isn't just some vague post about feelz.
-My Cara Box recipient didn't like what I sent her.. so much so, she complained to the exchange coordinator. I was unbearably upset about this. Rude to people at work, snappy with Teh Bear, just in a super state of emotional distress... until I told Teh Bear what had transpired, and then I magically felt better. Not only because he was on my side, but because he reinforced what I had told the coordinator. Gift exchanges aren't about meeting certain "criteria", they are about being kind and generous and sending someone something because you can. If my partner had said, this is exactly what I want, I would have gotten that, but that's not what happened so she got what I gave her. I've had better luck with actual strangers on Reddit Gift Exchanges than with someone that I had tried to get to know. My way to make it better was to participate in a Reddit Exchange. Which I kinda came out on top of this one since my match appreciated and liked what I got her even though I haven't received my gift yet.
-Teh Bear always gives me crap for never meeting him in the airport when he lands. Usually I'm late arriving so he ends up having to search for me in the baggage claim area. There was that one time that I was actually right that DCA doesn't actually have a receiving area for people to really wait at, although that's where I've waited 2x now for him to land. I think
-Dog fostering. I love doing it. I love having extra dogs around. I love being able to help out. I love the progress of seeing a greyhound settle into retired life, or in the case of Joey, a potentially abused dog realize that there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. I'm struggling with this right now because despite my best intentions it doesn't feel like I can do anything right. It's almost like I've not drank enough of the koolaid to properly foster. I understand that these folks care about the dogs, but its frustrating for me to feel like I'm being "handled" because of circumstances beyond my control (this time). It's becoming frustrating to the point that I'm ready to just say, you know what, never mind and drop off the map like all the non-koolaid drinking greyhound owners. But I wouldn't do that since I love volunteering with the group and attending meet and greets and I've made several friends through the group.
-Blogging. I've wanted to blog for the past 2 weeks, but after the Cara Box incident, I was too enraged to put words that were appropriate in a public forum. Then Teh Bear came to MD for step 6 of 8 of a job hiring process (YAY!). Then I got busy with foster dogs and work kept screwing me over. Then the weekend was filled with a meet and greet and duty. Life is busy and the words I had for life weren't the ones I really meant. I wanted to say the rage-filled, hateful, Teh Megan is extremely upset with the world and wants to rant but knows better words... So I chose silence. That whole, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? I'm getting better at it. I didn't used to be so good at that one, but I've shown considerable progress in the past 10 years.
-Work. I want to do what is right and I want to help out and I want things to be fair.. But life isn't fair and sometimes, you're the person that gets screwed over even when you're not really getting screwed over by technicality, but you actually are (this probably didn't make any sense to anyone but me). Like when my boss tells me "you're the one that is always taking vacation!" 2 days before her week long vacation when she points out that I put in for 3 day weekends to attend things, which means that I get one day off of work. Doing the math would show that we actually take the same amount of time, but that isn't what matters in the heat of the moment. It shouldn't even matter now... yet I'm still struggling with it.
So yeah, I have the best intentions... but a lot of the time it feels like I fall short. Maybe that is just my own self-reflection or maybe it's true or maybe I'm just taking that whole Cara Box incident to heart way too much.
Unrelated, I learned that blogger labels are a waste of time other than to show categories for readers if you actually show the labels. Here I thought those were used for search terms. See, I had the best intentions of getting my blog out there and then Google was like, "NO BITCH YOU'RE WRONG!" Point made, Google, point made, you hate everyone AND you're closing down Reader. Die in a freakin' fire, jerkfaces.
PS. Please don't kill Blogger because having to move to WordPress might make me need to kill a baby.
If it makes you feel any better, I am very much a people pleaser myself! If I do something to disappoint someone or if something doesn't go the way I had envisioned, I get really upset and depressed, too!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think you have every right to be upset with the Carabox exchange thing. They were jerks to you!
It would be very pleasing to me if one day we could get Rita's together.... :D
ReplyDeleteAnd...this is why I avoid those gift exchange things! Sound good in theory but I have a feeling it would end up exactly the same way. I'm sorry though, and I'm sure that your person was super picky and that someone else would have loved them (probably me, we seem to have a similar outlook & taste haha).
ReplyDeleteI hope that everything works out for you. Sometimes it seems like every little thing is just going wrong no matter how hard you try, and that's a shitty shitty feeling. Hugs & prayers & a virtual ear.