31 May: The last straw.

Day 31, Friday: A vivid memory

Most of my vivid memories are my most painful memories.  The lessons that were seared across my heart and mind, never to be forgotten.

Let's talk about when Teh Ex-Fiance decided to fall off the face of the earth... and my breaking point of our relationship.

It was a normal day.  Teh Ex-Fiance had been at work all day, I had went to class, I came home and finished up homework, fed the dog, and started playing some WoW while waiting on him to arrive home.

He usually called me to chat on his way home from work since the commute was 30 mins to an hour depending on traffic from Durham to Raleigh at the time.  I knew he'd be about an hour since he was coming home during rush hour..  But the hour passed and he hadn't called.  He sometimes got held up at work since he was a manager, so I let it go (see what I did there?).  Then 2 hours passed and he still hadn't even called or texted to say he was going to be late.  I let it go again, sometimes he called his dad on the way home.  No big deal.  Except... his dad called me.  He said he hadn't heard from Teh Ex-Fiance all day (they spoke daily), and he was worried cause he said he would call on his way home from work and hadn't.

Cue panic.

I went outside to look for Teh Ex-Fiance's car in the parking lot and didn't see it.  He did drive a black car and I was in panic-mode.  I called his dad back and said I couldn't find his car and immediately we were thinking the worst.  I'm not sure who made it to the internet news sites for Raleigh faster, me or his dad.  We checked traffic reports and there had been no accidents on I-40E.  I then considered that maybe he had called his uncle (who he was also close with) instead of his dad or I.  I asked his dad to call his brother and see.  Nope.

I'm starting to flip out.  I'm calling everyone who knows him to ask if they'd heard from him or seen him.  Everyone had seen him at work and he'd left when he was supposed to.  Where.the.fuck.was.he?

I went back outside and walked to the parking spaces.  His car was there.  The engine was still clicking like it hadn't been off for very long.  Maybe I didn't see it, maybe it hadn't been there before.  I had no idea.  I called his dad back.  "Teh Ex-Fiance's car is in the parking lot, but I haven't seen him.  He hasn't come inside at all.  I'm going to take Rue (our 10 pound Shorkie) and go look for him."  (Because obviously someone is going to be scared of my midget-dog).  His dad told me to be careful, he even told me he loved me (ok, I miss Teh Ex-Fiance's dad and uncle, they were great.  I'm sure they probably don't miss me and that's ok).

The area we lived wasn't super shady, but walking around at night wasn't the most comfortable thing I ever did.  Our townhouse complex was beside a park that had been known to have bad visitors once it got dark, but I knew that's where I had to start.  It was the darkest night I'd ever been out in, especially to be in the city.  There were almost no street lights on for some reason, which creeped me out.

I started walking toward the park, keeping my head on a swivel, praying that I wasn't about to walk into my rapist/murderer/kidnapper/worst nightmare.  I got to the park and Rue was excited that we were going on an adventure.  The park wasn't very big, but since it was so dark I couldn't really see through it.  I scanned the street to my left and didn't see anyone or anything and looked to my right to see more of nothing.  I've never been more petrified to walk into the dark in my life, but I put one foot in front of the other and darted between the street lights.

Then I saw movement up ahead.  I almost peed in my pants.  I was sure that whatever creeper was out at the park that late at night was up to no good.  I was probably going to get jabbed with a dirty needle and get AIDS and die before I could even graduate college.  Then Rue tried to lunge ahead towards the person!  I was like, OH HELL NO DOG! and pulled her back.  She didn't even make a sound.  I stood frozen in place until the person passed under another street light and I slowly recognized the bald head, the collared shirt, the familiar stride.

Relief and rage almost boiled over right there.  If I hadn't been scared shitless from being out in the dark in a sketchy place I would have ran up to him, yelling, and punched him.  I didn't want to make a scene in case there were actually any sketchy people in the park that I couldn't see.

There was a picnic table a few feet ahead, but it wasn't under a street light, but I knew that's where I was going to wait, rapists be damned.  Rue didn't even make a peep.  He continued his walk around the park and I realized he was talking on the phone.  I had no idea who he was talking to, but I wanted to kill whoever was on the other end of the phone that helped create the situation where I was in a panic AND his family was in a panic.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally made it back to my side of the park.  I saw him pass our street and notice something in my direction.  He didn't know what he was looking at though.  He continued his pace, fearless in the dark that scared me senseless.  Once he got within a few feet, I stood up from the picnic table and let Rue go.  He finally jumped and yelled.  I found meager pleasure in his fright.

"Dear, you really scared me!"
"Yes well, everyone thinks your dead.  Maybe you should call your dad and inform him you've just been wandering around in the dark?"
"Wait, what?"
"Do you even know what time it is?  Who are you talking to?"
"It's not that late.  It's Mel."
"Call your dad."

And with that, I stomped back inside with Rue, trying to let the rage abate.  I knew who Mel was.  A friend of his that he'd met online prior to our relationship that he kept in contact with.  I had no issues with her, or her friend (that he later ended up marrying), but it was one thing to keep in contact and another thing to ignore the entire world and have people worried about your life status while you're out meandering in the dark talking to your troubled friend.

After 30 more minutes he finally came back inside.  I had already called his dad and uncle to let them know he was fine, a dumbass, but alive until he actually came back inside and I got ahold of him... at which point I wouldn't end his life, but he might wish I had.  They were on my side.

I didn't even speak to him, which is the easiest way to know when Teh Megan is angry.  He came in and acted like everything was fine.  He sat down at his computer and signed into WoW to start his evening activities, several hours late.  I simmered for about 5 more minutes before I finally stormed out of the computer room, deciding to go to bed.  On the way out of the room, Teh Queen of Passive-Aggressiva (me) muttered, "Oh, hi, glad to see you tonight.  How are you?  Sorry?  Fuck you?  Nope.  No, FUCK YOU!"

At which point he responded, "You're the one not talking to me!"
And the rage bubbled over......
"Are you fucking kidding me?  You're over 3 hours late getting home from work and I don't care.  I don't care that you didn't call me on your way.  I didn't care that you were out walking around the park waiting to get mugged by a drug addict.  I didn't even care that you were talking to another girl!  BUT WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON AND YOUR FAMILY WAS CALLING ME!!!!!!!  NO I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!  YOU COULD HAVE BEEN DEAD!!!"

At which point he tried to explain whatever the reason was for having a 3 hour phone conversation with her where he ignored all mine and his family's calls, despite hearing them (which he acknowledged and said got annoying after a while) and how he just wanted to talk in a quiet place without interruption, so he walked around outside.

I knew falling asleep that night that I had been ignoring a lot of signs for a very long time.  I knew that I could never marry someone that cared so little about me that they couldn't be bothered to at least let me know they were alive when I was beside myself with worry, which was a very, very, veryyyyy rare thing for me, and they knew that I was upset.

It took several more weeks before the relationship was finally over, but after the tears of him removing the ring from my finger (because I physically couldn't do it (not that it wouldn't come off, but the act of removing it was unbearably scary to me)) and a week of trying to live together, I moved out and left the key on the kitchen counter.  I had to leave Rue, which broke my heart and hers.

The last contact I had with Teh Ex-Fiance was a message on AIM (which all the cool kids were still using) asking to talk to me about what had happened and I set him straight on not being willing to heart-to-heart anymore and that I was trying to move on and that talking to him wasn't a part of that, so he needed to stop trying to contact me and get on with his life without me.  One of his last messages to me was a thank you for being so straight forward with him and he was sorry he had tried to take out his anger on me in his messages.

The very last message he sent me was that he sincerely wished me the best and that he didn't regret anything.

Honestly, I hope he is doing well too.

Baby Rue giving me kisses.

PS.  May is over.