I'm trying to actually spend some of my alone time doing things I enjoy, like reading blogs and perusing facebook and trying not to shop (my Christmas time weakness) and all things NOT job hunting. It's difficult. I feel like I'm always in the midst of something job related and seeing those 2 views today (who both became connections, which led to exchanged messages) has me amped up in a way I wish wasn't happening.
I know exactly why I don't want to be amped up about this...
I don't want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed.
Yes, Gentle Readers, I've come to expect the worst about all.the.things.
Disappointment is a feeling I do not deal with well. I fight my feelings of disappointment rather than embrace them, which only leads to bitterness for everyone involved in the end. Usually I get disappointed after setting my expectations too high, which is no one's fault buy my own.
In the midst of my facebooking and LinkedIn-ing, I clicked on a link posted by Relevant magazine with some suggestions about what to do when you can't find that dream job. Since it was 100% relevant to my current predicament, I read through the article hoping for a spark of genius that I hadn't had yet, a subtle reminder to do just that one thing slightly different.. essentially anything that would make me feel less like crap for not having my "real life" job that I've talked about getting since April of 2013.
It's very difficult for me to be where I am right now. I've talked about it here before and I'm not likely to stop talking about it until I'm no longer un(der)employed, sorry not sorry.
The article essentially says to have faith that you are doing what you are supposed to (God's will (aka my decision to move to SC based on the God-given-ability to make my own decisions)), don't let yourself get consumed in the disappointment (which I'm obviously struggling with), and never settle (which isn't difficult because working at Target is killing me, possibly literally). There are many days that I question my decision to move to SC. Mannnnnnny, mannnyyy days. I know for a fact that I would have been gainfully employed since October if I'd have stayed in Pax River. It's hard not to question myself.
But then Mr. Mystery comes home and hugs me and pets the dogs and tries to get Meri to play with him, and then he asks me what's for dinner and he leaves his uniform on the back of the dining room chair and asks me where his this is and that is and sometimes we get on each other's nerves and that makes me question being here even more.. But when I step back and look at all the things, the bigger picture, and ask myself, "Did I make the right decision?" I always come back with the same resounding answer, "YES."
It's difficult for me to have faith in myself and God when I feel like I'm getting no where. I've been in the pool for a very long time now and while I'm a pretty good swimmer (hooyah swimmin' PRTs since 2009), I'm starting to get tired and my kicks aren't as solid and my strokes are getting sloppy (and if you're a swimmer, you're the only one that really understood that). It's difficult for me to see the positive side of things when I'm not feeling very successful, which wasn't what I was expecting, at all, ever. I can be obnoxiously positive and excited, but I can't seem to find that in me right now.
That said, I'm not a fail-er. I'm a succeed-er. But this time it's just taking longer than usual. I know that, but sometimes I don't believe that, which can make all the difference. Maybe those profile views, which led to subsequent messages and connections made, were the flotation device I needed to keep going for a little longer. One of the connections won't lead to anything unless I'm in the Pax area, but the other one might lead to something in SC. So send your prayers up and keep your fingers crossed and send good vibes or whatever you believe in because it takes a village and I have a mighty village.
And as Brit told me last Wednesday, which inevitably brought a smile to my face:
I totally relate to this. I quit my job 2 years ago to work on becoming a writer and thus far, I've not succeeded at that. It's hard not to question my choices and decisions and every day, I tell myself what a failure I am. And then it makes it hard to keep working and trying and finding motivation because honestly, what's the point? Like you, I'm not used to feeling like this.
ReplyDeleteI believe things will pick up for you. Something will happen and you'll get out of Target and find what you're looking for. You'll realize, in your head and heart, that where you are is where you're supposed to be.
I helped! Yay.
ReplyDeleteand seriously, I feel like I am reading things I wrote a few years ago. I mean the details are different, but the vibe is so familiar. Praying for you, & hoping the views turn into something :)
I know how you feel, girl. I was about 90% sure I'd get the job I just got hired for but even then I talked myself down until I got my response from them b/c I was so scared of getting my hopes up. It's rough out there. Just gotta keep at it!
ReplyDeleteI always talk myself down so that I am prepared for the worse. It's what I do, I can't help it! Here to hoping things pick up for you soon :)
ReplyDeleteOn another note, has that bloglovin button always been there? I swear I have tried to add you a few times and it could never find you. Either way, you are added now!!!