Confessions {7/22}

I'm only giving you one confession today, Gentle Readers.. which is either a relief or disappointment, based on how much you love my long ass confession posts.. you can tell me below.



#allthefeelz
I haven't been sad about my relationship ending really.  Partially because the worst blow was in May and I pretty much spent the month listening to breakup songs, and subsequently adjusting my mindset to my relationship kinda of being over.  I mean, who really expects someone to stick around after you tell them you don't love them?  On June 3rd/4th, I made the decision of my next steps and acted on them.  It wasn't difficult for me.  On July 3rd, the end came.

Teh WJL kept waiting on me to be upset the weekend that I moved out, but I wasn't.  That was 2.5 weeks ago.  Earlier this week, Mr. Scrooge messaged me to tell me, "Hope this doesn't offend you but I unfollowed you on FB because I don't want to see you posting about other guys" (after I had mentioned that the door-to-door home security salesman was cute) and it upset me a bit.  I admitted it to him and then before I could stop my fingers from hitting enter, I had typed, "but I guess I find it ironic in a way that you unfollowed me now, but never changed your relationship status from single... so maybe I shouldn't really be overly sad about it."  THAT was what upset me.
Not back and forth we had for a moment:

Everyone knew, it didn't matter.
Not everyone knew, it was the principle.  Doesn't matter now.
I am always out of touch with you.
You never wanted to talk about it.  I didn't want to push you.
You made me talk about everything else.  Doesn't matter now.

Side note: Who even tells someone that they unfollow them on FB when they regularly didn't like/comment on your statuses anyway?  What kind of cruel person does that? #ihatefacebook

That fact that it greatly bothered me that he never changed his FB relationship status (which I told him after I moved in) just hit me like a wave.  There was no public declaration of our relationship... ever.  In fact, it started out a secret.  The most upsetting part was that I KNEW THE WHOLE TIME.  Well, that and being told, "I want to love you," was pretty upsetting as well.  There are no words to accurately describe the sucker punch hearing that was.  In fact, each time I think about, it still makes my stomach churn.  Who says that to someone?

I knew it wasn't going to work in October when I moved in.  We had 2 sets of everything in the kitchen and I refused to get rid of his stuff but I wasn't getting rid of my stuff either.  People often commented on the fact that we had 2 knife blocks on the counter and sometimes they'd find the 2nd set of silverware or really pay attention to the 12 plates that we had being 3 different sets or the fact that there was more than one set of pots and pans.  They'd ask me why I kept both knife blocks/silverware sets/etc and I'd say, "Just in case."  My people knew what that meant.  I was already planning an escape, "Just in case."

So for me the realization that something simple like changing his relationship status on FB would never have happened, coupled with a realization that I knew it wasn't going to work out was essentially me watching something I burned, pined, and perished for completely stop being something that I could want or ever have (I hope you got that 10 Things reference).

It was the door finally closing a dream that I've had for possibly an embarrassing length of time.  From that first shitty selfie of him in his whites in 2008 when he was at OCS, Mr. Scrooge was someone I wanted.  I pretended for a long time that wasn't true when I was with Teh Bear because it made things easier in my relationship and because it wasn't possible Navy-wise at the time.  Then I got my 2nd chance and... it didn't work.  It was supposed to work.  I moved to Charleston for it to work.  I bet my life on this (thanks for that Imagine Dragons). 

All of these things (+ #girlweek) = sobbing.

I'm sure that this is possibly the end of that amicable relationship that Mr. Scrooge and I have been able to have for the last month.  I also took the opportunity to finally purge my email from all those sappy messages from 2009.  Back when he did love me, I used to like to remind myself of that, but now it's just painful.  Eventually, I'll clear off my FB and untag the photos of us together.  I'll scrub my photos on my computer and phone at some point.

I feel like Cristina when Burke left.  

"He's gone..  I'm.. free.  Damn it... Damn it... Damn it..."

PS.  I never had to change my relationship status, as my relationship status isn't available for viewing.  I removed it when I broke up with Teh Bear because I didn't want to change it to single and have the entire world in our business.  Had Mr. Scrooge changed his, I would have made "in a relationship" visible, but I felt that with him still being "single" I shouldn't bother.  I would have been satisfied with Mr. Scrooge removing his relationship status entirely, but the fact that it read "single" for all those months really, really, reallllyyy got under my skin.  Yes, it's just FB, but it's what all his people saw.  We didn't have mutual friends, so whatever they gleaned from his page is what they knew.  I probably would have questioned all those photos of him with some girl with his relationship status saying single... but my opinion didn't/doesn't matter.

Oh well, none of it matters anymore.  Yet, that still doesn't make it hurt less.  There are days I wonder if I'll ever get back the Megan that I was before Mr. Scrooge.  Parts of me are coming back around slowly, but the relationship parts of me... I'm worried those are broken.  I'm worried that I'll take my learned behaviors into another relationship, making it toxic.  I'm worried I won't talk about things, I'm worried I'll just swallow those things that really bother me instead of starting a fight over them.  I'm worried that sitting in front of the tv and eating dinner will become habit again.  I'm worried that when I'm obviously being avoided, I'll just let it happen.  ....and I'm still worried that I'll never feel truly sexy again.

I need that Megan back in a way I can't accurately describe.  That confident woman who has no fears and who knows that she is amazing and can do anything and doesn't give any fucks about what others think.  The Megan who touches everyone she meets in her own unforgettable way and doesn't back down when it might be awkward.  I remember her.  I'm waiting for her with open arms.  #SuperWomanComeBack




Linking up with:
Life with Lolo
Hodges Podge