The thing about online dating...

I've been at this online dating thing for about a week now.  That doesn't make me anything close to an expert, but I have QUICKLY figured out what I will/won't go for.  Let me share these hilarious details with you...

You're a possible candidate if:

~You said something moderately religious to indicate you go to church regularly.  Praise Jesus!
~You're hilarious.  Not funny, not amusing.. HILARIOUS.  Lolz must be induced.
~You have a motorcycle/photo of a motorcycle.
~You have a/some goofy photos.  The more ridiculous the better.
~You have a photo of yourself in a public service uniform (police/fire fighter).

You're probably eliminated if:

~You have a photo of yourself in a military uniform (especially if you're a baby nuke who is going to move in a year).
~You have a cat.
~Your photo has a CRT monitor in the background with speakers attached to it... like it's 1999.  See below about taking a selfie.

You're definitely eliminated if:

~You are only interested in casual dating/no commitment... I'm not looking to get laid, kthx.
~You say somewhere on your profile that we can tell people we met in person.  Lies get you no where.
~You have a picture of your truck/car.
~You have a picture of you without a shirt on flexing.
~You have shitty grammar/were unable to use complete sentences in your "about me" section.
~You only have photos of you with groups of people/random women (take a freakin' selfie, this is 2015).
~You list NFL/NBA/NASCAR/some other sport besides hockey in your interests and you're obviously a hardcore fan.  Sorry, I just can't. 
~You have a photo of you smoking, but say you're a non-smoker.
~You have NO profile other than the mandatory questions.
~You have a profile that says, "Just ask me."  (If I wanted to just ask you, I wouldn't be looking at your profile, fool.)
~duck lips
~Your first date idea sounds stupid or says, "A restaurant for some drinks to loosen up followed by dinner and a walk around town."  Nothing else sounds quite like a ticket to rapetown.
~Anything on your profile sounds stupid (into drunken arguing?  seriously?  SERIOUSLY?).
~You have a photo of liquor bottles.... not YOU with liquor bottles.. just liquor bottles on the counter.
~You have a photo of a meme/something I would find on Pinterest.
~You have a photo of your super hero wall/stuff/things/comic book collection and it's quite abundant.
~You don't want kids.
~You have a grill... in your mouth grill, not for cooking grill.
~Any combination of 6's and 9's in your username.
~You flipping off the camera in your profile photo.
~You have a photo of you in full camo/hunting gear holding a dead creature.  I'm just not going to be hardcore enough for you.
~Your collar is popped.
~Your only interests are fishing and hunting.
~Your pants are sagging.
~You used a selfie stick...
~You are MISSING TEETH.
~You are holding any type of small dog (sorry, Phil would eat that and I wouldn't PHIL bad. bahaha)
~Your head is titled in a weird way in every photo of you.  It's not cool, bro.
~Anything in any text you have submitted (your profile/headline/messages you send) is in text speak.

Things I've learned:

-About 50% of dudes in the Charleston area have been skydiving.  There is photographic evidence.  I've seen it on all their profiles.
-Even more than that are enlisted military. 
-90% of dudes in Charleston love the beach/boating/fishing/being outdoors.. congrats, you guys should hang out together doing bro things.
-60% of the outdoorsy dudes have photos of them in full camo outside in the woods.  Who takes these pictures?  I thought hunting was a solo activity?  This is why I'm obviously not a hunter.
-It's really difficult for some people to talk about themselves and they must be prompted and they'd be ok with relying on you for all the conversational entertainment.  Please no.  I don't like the sound of my own voice that much (which I hear in my head when I'm typing).  Just make shit up, just please let me stop typing to you, I need a break.