Five on Friday #166

Let's Just Get This Out of the Way - Kavanaugh Shit

I'm sooooo fucking sad and angry and disappointed and super distracted and there's so many feelz all over the place for me that I can't accurately describe how I feel about what is happening with the American shit show (umm I should trademark this for a TV show) this week.

My heart hurts, I know that.
Also, my heart is soooo sooo sooooo happy.. because:
1- I have friends who have different opinions than me and we can discuss these matters respectfully and we can EDUCATE each other on our beliefs without making each other feeling like we're trying to make them change their mind.  These conversations lead to understanding and understanding leads to closing the chasm between us and finding a common ground where we can MAKE PROGRESS.
2- This discussion is happening.  Yes, people are really fucking angry and there are trolls out there who are nasty, but America has needed this conversation to happen for soooooooo fucking long and it's finally here and I'm so happy that these old white assholes are being called out on their "good ol' boy" behavior and how unacceptable it is.  This discussion is how change becomes REAL.

I'll be honest, all of this shit happening THIS week is extra inconvenient for me.  Because the un-celebrated "the worst weekend of my entire life" happened 9 years ago.  So I mean, too soon, for forever?  Yes. 

Also, can we all congratulate me on the day that I grew up and stopped vague-booking (before it was even called that?)...

This morning I was trying to think back and figure out the last time I was, in some way, sexually assaulted, because... well.. that's a reality.  The most recent time I was sexually assaulted was at my bachelorette party.  I wasn't the only one either.  What had happened was, this guy with a boner started grinding all up on Teh Dental Hygienist.  Then, on me as I tried to remove his creepy bunny head costume.  He didn't like the fact that I was trying to remove his mask and he finally went away, but we didn't report it.  Why would we?  He was just some drunk guy we didn't know and would never see again.  But ya'll he rubbed his fucking boner up my butt crack and it was unpleasant and definitely unwelcome.  I was intoxicated, but not THAT intoxicated.

AND HERE'S THE THING..
we didn't report it because WHY WOULD WE?  That's automatically what my brain went to.  It wouldn't matter to anyone else that some anonymous guy rubbed his dick on us, so to report it would mean and end to our night of fun.  Instead, we promptly forgot about the dick part of the event and focused on the fact that he was a creeper wearing a bunny head dancing up on us.  In fact, it was reenacted at our wedding and it was fucking hilarious.  But the difference was, the guy in the bunny head at our wedding wasn't grinding his boner in my ass crack.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that "Bunny Man" (played by Teh PT Husband) even left some space for Jesus when he was "grinding" on me.  It became a funny memory where we blocked out the part about being sexually assaulted.

That's what it is to be a woman today.  You carry your keys between your fingers and you don't run alone on unlit trails and you block out the parts of a really fun night where you were sexually assaulted.

I didn't report all the details of my rape (specifically, my rapists name) because I knew that to report it would mean that his career would be over and his wife and kids relied on his income.  Or worse, it would mean absolutely nothing and then I'd be the girl who tried to ruin his reputation.. because who would believe that Megan, that strong independent woman could be raped?  She'd fight back, she's tough.  She'd never let that happen to her.

It happened to me because I was drunk.
I didn't actually report it for over a week because I was confused.  I thought maybe I had welcomed it.  I thought that by my agreeing to his statement, "Maybe we can continue this some other time," after he stopped when I started crying, that I had consented.

Let me just be clear.
There was never any consent given on my part.
There was confusion and drunkenness.

Here's another thing...
I DON'T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY I DIDN'T REPORT HIS NAME OR WHY I WAITED TO REPORT WHAT HAPPENED.

I ended up reporting it because keeping it a secret was fucking me up.  I went from vibrant, outgoing, Megan to a shell.  I was hollowed out, I wasn't sleeping, I was sooo nasty to people and they had no idea why because THEY hadn't done anything to me.  It was that nastiness and some prodding from Teh Diver (how the shit did you not have a name till now?!) that finally caused me to seek out some help.  My therapy was my "therapist's" reality show ("" because she was just an Army medic with some psychology training, probably something equivalent to my Psych 101 class at NC State).  Even though I had waited too long, I was still required to have a rape test performed on me and they prescribed Plan B (just in case) to file a report.

I also learned an extremely valuable lesson about restricted and unrestricted reporting within the DoD, which I passed on during every.single. SAPR (sexual assault prevention and response) training I had to endure until I got out of the Navy (at least once a year, if not more often).  There is no option to do a restricted report if ANYONE else was present, they don't tell you that in the SAPR brief and it's IMPORTANT because women who would be definitely willing to report are no longer willing to report when they find out that everyone they work with and their entire chain of command will/can know.

This is why that my rapists name was never put in my unrestricted report.  There were other people present who knew of the event so I couldn't file a restricted report which would mean that the case would stay closed.  Unrestricted reports mean ANYONE can look them up.  So I reported it, every single detail.. except for his name.  There are less than handful of people who know who that person is, excluding whoever the "therapist" told.  Those people were only told because I needed to share my secret because it was literally killing me.  And I also wanted those people to know that if Rapist showed up when we were hanging out and I just got up and left, it wasn't them, it was him.

I also didn't want to report because I didn't want people to know.
I was ashamed.  I am a strong woman.  How did I let this happen? 

Here's what I know now..
1: It was never my responsibility to protect him.  I should have never thought that, but no one ever told me differently.  So if you're in a position where you have to decide to protect someone that has hurt you, in ANYWAY, YOU HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO PROTECT THEM.  Their family is not your responsibility, their wife, mother, husband, children, their job is not your responsibility.  YOU are your responsibility....

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

2: It was never my fault.  I was asleep and came to, to someone having sex with me.  Just because he stopped when I started crying doesn't mean I wasn't raped.  Just because he wasn't violent with me doesn't mean he didn't rape me.  Just because I didn't know who "Bunny Man" was doesn't mean I wasn't sexually assaulted.

BEING A VICTIM DOES NOT EQUAL FAULT.


I could go on and on and on and on and onnnn about this, but I'm going to cut myself off.  I feel like my brain is going in circles because I have sooo much to say about this and I can't be the only one tired of hearing about it.  It's exhausting being so angry.



This post by Katherine (I Am Begging My Mother Not to Read This) so very clearly speaks to my exhaustion and my struggles and trials about sharing my story.

We’ve been telling you. We’ve told you....
We gave you all our personal traumas.

Finally, based on his emotional reaction to being questioned I would NOT want him as a Supreme Court Justice.  I want a Supreme Court Justice who will listen to all the evidence and make an unbiased, non-emotional decision.  I would not trust Kavanaugh to do that.

EINS - Random Shit

-The most embarrassing part of my week was realizing that cavities was misspelled in last Friday's post.  #MeganFail

-My week has been spent thinking about rape and sexual assault and it's been incredibly distracting and I've had so much going on that it's been an extremely difficult week.  While being constantly distracted, I had to try to force myself to focus on work and school and not having a breakdown.  Now I know why people seek counseling for current events.  They aren't snowflakes, they are fucking distracted to the point of being almost unable to function.  I made a list of all my tasks with completion dates so I would be able to prioritize through the haze.  Even still, my mind isn't on my required tasks, but on the current episode of The American Shit Show.

-I took my first test today in my class where we're learning assembly language (if you just blacked out, it's ok.  Just know it's less difficult than Discrete Math or Calc 2 and stick with me).  I felt prepared enough.  Guess we'll see what my grade says on Monday.

-Cyber Investigations project and discussion board replies due Sunday night, coding assignment due Monday, standard German hw + take home essay due Monday, Cyber Security project/test due Tuesday, German test Friday, and circuits and logic test on Friday afternoon.  It's looking like midterm 'round here.

-I have approximately a millionty years worth of homework to do this weekend and zero motivation to do it.  Actually, it's not a lack of motivation, it's the HUGE distraction that won't stop poking at the back of my brain.

-I have Victoria's Secret coupons that expire at the end of September and it's undetermined if I will actually use them or not before they expire.  I also have some cash rewards, so they are really the push for me to use the coupons.  #FirstWorldProblems I know.

-I baked chicken thighs in cream of mushroom soup on Wednesday and I am proud of my life choice.  Usually I pair it with mushrooms and mozzarella cheese, but the mushrooms went bad and I forgot the cheese.  Stuffing and green beans were our sides.  Sweet Baby Jesus, thank you for the invention of Stove Top stuffing.  There are still good things in this world, even if so many of the people running this country are sexual predators.

-We didn't really celebrate Meri's birthday.  I mean, kinda, but not overly.  She received 2 new "mouses" and extra birthday treats and regularly scheduled bully sticks.  I, sadly, was unable to take her on her favorite activity, a walk/jog because I had to study for my test.  #MomoftheYear

Birthday selfies with Mama are a requirement.
Much to their dismay.

This fucking goof.
That was Meri's new mouse... but everything iz belongs to Pax.
#ThisIsMyLife

-I want to travel sooooo badly.  Actually, I want to relax so badly.  But I want to do it somewhere else.  Teh German and I have started to consider alternative Christmas plans since we're still waiting on the government to send word about his green card stuff and we're beginning to worry we won't be going to Germany, which is incredibly depressing for multiple reasons.  In fact, I spent about 30 minutes earlier this week digging into cruises and Sandals resorts only to realize that if we don't hear anything about his green card for Germany, we can't travel out of the country, Megan... #MeganFail.  So instead, I started thinking about somewhere like Colorado for SNOWWWWWW.

When I was telling Teh German about my #MeganFail moment of trying to plan vacations outside of the country he said, "I was thinking about that, maybe we could go somewhere like Colorado for snowboarding."  I hadn't even gotten to that part of the story!  HE READ MY MIND!  This is why we're married, ya'll.

Now, I will say, I don't really snowboard or ski, mostly due to a non-subtle lack of coordination on my part, but Teh German can go snowboard his heart out while I sit in a cabin in the woods with fuzzy socks and a hoodie and as much hot fucking chocolate that I can pour down my gullet and ALL THE BOOKS!  THAT sounds PERFECT to me.

Please excuse me for the next 15 minutes while I'm lost in my daydreams of being in a cabin surrounded by snow while wearing fuzzy socks, pj pants, and a hoodie and reading a book while sipping on hot chocolate.

-Teh German and I officially are Uncle and Aunt!  I'd share a pic, like the proud Auntie I am, but I'm not sure what Mom and Dad's opinion of baby on the internet is, so I'll withhold my baby photos.  But he is aaaadddoorrraaabllleeee.  Teh German said, "He's got more hair than me, Brother, Papa G, and Opa G have all together!"  😂😂

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Car wash subscription, which I'm about to cancel because it's not worth what I'm paying and the fucking shitheads who have such simple jobs don't even do them and it makes me rage.  Actually scrub the bugs off my car, it's your job.  WTF.
-lunch x2 (Codfather, KFC)
-milkshake adventures (Willie Jewells, Come Back Shack, Cookout)
-gas
-boat adventure lunch/beverages
-bungee cords
-exterminator bill
-motorcycle insurance
-Midterm elections Cards Against Humanity expansion
-Friday Sundrop
-Friday sweet tea

DREI - From My Phone Shit

My coworkers get me.

What's the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly!

We agreed there needs to be a middle ground.
LIKE THE ADULTS WE ARE.

VIER - From the Internet Shit

No really, please read Katherine's post.

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. Friends who will discuss their differing opinions with me.
2. But also, my echo chamber.
3. Sweet tea
4. Support from friends after posting on FB about this week's current events.
5. A sweet ass sound system in Willow... coupled with her ability to mostly drive herself and me down 26 each morning to school.
6. Running and the gym multiple times this week... now if only I could motivate myself to get in my 8-9 miles this weekend....
7. Impromptu calls with Teh Running Bestie
8. Being appreciated for doing my job well and promptly, even if we were set up to fail and I ensured we didn't.
9. 3 ibuprofen kicking my reoccurring headache's ass.
10. This video (because dogs are life):

Happy last Friday of September, Gentle Readers.