Five on Friday #189

EINS - Random Shit

-PLANE TICKETS ARE PURCHASED!!!!!!!
I fly from Charleston to Düsseldorf at the beginning of May for my class.  I will stay with Auntie P for the weekend and then I'll go to school and stay where ever my accommodations are.
Teh German has an eventful end of May where he drives up to MD for the Greyhound picnic, leaving Willow, Pax, and Meri with Teh Running Bestie and flies back to Charleston.  After working for another week, he will then fly from Charleston to Düsseldorf as well at the very end of the month.

Teh German and I will spend some time with NW German family and friends until we head down to the south for more family and friend time.  During the first week of June, we will head to Italy where we will spend a few days in Venice, Florence, and finally Rome.  We will fly from Rome to Baltimore around mid-June to pick up Willow, Pax, and Meri from Teh Running Bestie and finally return to Charleston.

I do not have the Italy stuff quite worked out yet, because I'm waiting on our itinerary for family time to be dictated announced by Papa G.  Once I have that information, I can work out dates/adventures for Italy.

Gentle Readers, I'm like 10 "Disney excited" gifs worth of excited right now.  I will spare you, but I do want you to imagine all that.

-I registered for Fall 2019 classes.  MY LAST FALL SEMESTER.  🙌🙌🙌🙌
I was super pissed off when my advisor pointed out that I have to take another computer science class for my Cybersecurity minor.  Like suuuuper pissed, because the only reason I signed up for that stupid minor was because it was "only ONE extra class" for computer science majors.  One extra class that will count as an elective anyways?  Ok, fine.  No.  It's TWO.  And that would be trivial, but I have one year left and my time is minimal.. ANNNDD I recently signed up to do a minor in German since I had the time in my schedule.

So now, I have a feeling I'll end up not being able to get my German minor (which really isn't that big of a deal, except I was kinda excited about it because I actually enjoy German) because to get it would mean I would have to take 6 classes during the fall semester.  I have maintained taking 5 classes per semester since I started (with the exception of semesters I've taken a science with a lab).  The reality is, the classes I've got during the fall semester are pretty difficult computer science courses.  So to have difficult classes AND an extra class on top of that (the class required for the German minor) doesn't really inspire confidence.

The reality is, neither minor will help or hurt me in the long run.  As Teh German pointed out, I will be getting my certificate from the Goethe Institute for my German accomplishments anyways, which will mean more than a minor.  Buttt, I was excited for my super huge diploma to state that I obtained a bachelor of science in computer science with minors in cybersecurity and German.  Some people double major and get a minor.  I'd do a single major with 2 minors.  It's a thing.... but for real, those weirdos who double major in computer science AND math?  GTFO with that shit.  More than once I've said it to their faces.

-I have a long lunch break between my morning and afternoon classes where I do work things.  Both Monday and Tuesday I gave up and napped for 20ish minutes.  Wednesday I fell asleep during my afternoon class.  Because I was up at 0430 on Thursday morning (hello, anxiety) I just went ahead and took a nap during my break so I could make my own decisions. Whatever my mysterious sickness is, it is lingering and I'm over it.

-Testing while in a debilitated-sick-medicated state is WHERE IT IS AT.  For real.  I took 3 tests over Thursday and Friday and I did amazing on all of them.  Better than I've ever done in one class.  Although, I did make some very obvious stupid mistakes on one of the tests, I still made a 93 on the test, so I'm not even mad.  Also, on the networks test.. I realized I hadn't done one of the assigned homework questions because I had intended to ask for help, but then I got sick and I just submitted it as is without realizing I hadn't finished it.  There was an extra credit question on that ONE question.  I got it right.  That also made up for the stupid mistakes.  #Balance

-My rescheduled TSA Pre-Check appointment was Monday at 9:50.  I was there 10 minute early, in the hopes that they were running ahead of schedule (like the ignorant dreamer I am)...  Gentle Readers.. it was 10:27 when a voice called out my name from somewhere in the building.  I shit you not.  There were no signs and no one was around the corner when I came through the doorway.  I wasn't sure where to go and I didn't want to be in some unauthorized area so I finally said, "I don't know where you are."  The response.... "In here."  Bitch.Please.  Me: "Where is here?"  Person: "The room."  Not the room on the left or the right.. just the room.  Fortunately, I'm moderately intelligent and I figured out that the room was the area with the door, not the area that went back into the depths of the office.  But seriously.. how about a sign?  how about you get off your ass?

Then, the entire process took 3 minutes.. and it only took that long because that Twatalotamus didn't tell me I should keep my fingers on the pad for the entire time, not just until the beep during fingerprints.  She checked my passport, took my photo (it was super easy to keep a neutral expression since I was already wearing my pissed off face), took my fingerprints, and took my money.  That was it.  THE END.  I've wasted almost 2 hours of my life for 3 fucking minutes?  I was ready to stab someone when I walked out of there.  Mostly because I had to wait 25 minutes for my appointment that only took THREE MINUTES.  That means that other appointments only took THREE MINUTES too.  WTF?  I 100% left them a shitty review on Yelp the first time I was there and the office was closed during business hours.  I sure as shit did NOT update it after my actual appointment took place because I was still enraged.  The receptionist was super nice, IF you had an appointment.  Otherwise, that place can DIAF.

I better save a LOT of time in security over the next 5 years after wasting so much time of my life trying to get Pre-Check.

-My end of semester -itis has started and it's just soo poorly timed.  Like, could I have gotten through another week or so?  Because NOW seems to be the time that my professors want to assign the high value tasks, rather than, idk, in the last 2.5 months of the semester that just passed?  UGH.  And I have all these tasks that require doing since they are high value and I have ZERO motivation to do them.  Also, one of my professors has told me to take my time making up the missed assignments from when I was sick and like... if I just don't do it.. what then?  JK, I could never actually do that.  I always do all my assignments.  Even if it's halfassed.

-In putting my classes on my calendar, I realized that the fall semester starts at the VERY end of August!  This is super exciting for me since it means that I'll actually get almost the entire month of August off of school... to just work.. and be "normal"...  I'm already having anxiety thinking about it.

-I discovered this week that you can use Audible credits to GIVE AUDIOBOOKS at gifts.  I know I have 2 unused credits and I've got 2 audiobooks on deck to listen to, one of which is 50-something hours?  IDK, it's long.  So I actually went to the Audible website to cancel my membership, but I ended up not cancelling.

-I wanted to love Becoming by Michelle Obama.. but Jesus Christ at the 75% point I got so depressed I almost had to stop listening.  I finished it, but the last 3-4 hours were painful.

-I have several hard copy books I purchased over the last few months and want to read.  I'm thinking they might be good for my Germany trip.

Specifically, these books, excluding the bottom 2 computer science textbooks, obvs
(well, that one in Chinese may not be quite so "obvs").

-Anything I can fit into the UV sanitizer box, goes into the sanitizer box.  I put all my school pens/pencil into the box, my mouse, my phone... I did do my tablet, but not Teh German's.  I really need to find a better home for the box, as it's currently sitting on top of the printer, which is fairly ghetto, buttt, it has a short cord and it needs to be plugged in, so options are limited at this time.

-Willow needs to go in for service before I leave for Germany since Teh German will be driving her up to MD with the dogs while I'm gone.  This means scheduling the service at the dealership since I also need them to take care of the gas estimator recall situation.  If it wasn't for fixing the recall, I'd just take Willow to Walmart for an oil change since it's cheaper.  I always manage to get off the maintenance schedule, usually I get it done earlier than it should be done, and it bothers me, so I'm trying to get back on the schedule.  And technically, my next oil change should be 12,000 miles and I'm currently at 10507 or something.  IDK.  Willow is currently in the 10k range.

While I do drive a LOT of miles to and from school each day + to work + other trips, I won't manage to get to 12k miles before I leave for Germany.  Le siiiiigh.

-This week was the start of my end of semester breakdown.  I spent HOURS looking at code getting nowhere with it.  Starting over on it 3 times.  That's the equivalent of writing half a research paper and deleting it.. x3.  I was extremely frustrated and disappointed in myself and it was a super downward spiral that went something like this...

So many people do coding/computer science things.  Why can't you do this?  This should be "simple", per the assignment, instructor, and other classmates.  What are you missing?  Why are you even going for a computer science degree if you can't even do simple Java coding?  Why should you get a computer science degree if you can't recognize this black hole in the hosts file?  Why do you have to Google everything?  Why don't you know what rules the firewall should have?  How do you not have command-line commands memorized?  Why can't you understand simple concepts that the professor is literally showing to you.  You can't always just get answers from people when you don't know, you have to LEARN these things.  But how am I supposed to learn if no one shows/teaches me?  HOWWWW???  WHHHYYY??  Are you sure you should even finish this?  Why did you even start this to begin with?  Are you even going to use this?  Do you hate it?  You should hate it because you're not good at it.  You're not good at it.  You're not good enough.  You're not enough.  You will fail. 

It was crippling on Wednesday night.  I slept for shit.  And then I remembered my Algorithms professor's lecture on Tuesday about how someone created and coded a brand new algorithm in the 70s because they forgot their notes for the lecture they were giving, so they just created a new one in the limited time before their presentation.  The professor joked that he wished he was that smart.  At some point it hit me.  I'm confident that my professor and I are the same age, if he's not actually a few years younger than me.  He has through a doctorate degree in computer science-y things.  So while he wishes he could create algorithms from scratch, I just want to be able to code in Java without feeling like my brain is turning inside out. 

And with that, I realized a few things:
1. I am trying my absolute hardest to do the best that I can without dropping all the things I'm carrying while still maintaining my non-school, non-work life.
2. Coding is HARD.  NOT EVERYONE can do it.  Yes, a lot of people that IIIII know can do it, but a lot of people that I know also don't know the difference between their, there, and they're or they can't do something else that I am good at (that I can't currently come up with an example of because I'm me).
2.5.  I'm not interested in being a software developer.  I'd much rather work in HTML and design web pages and shit like that.  I'm about making pretty things, in a nerdy way.  OMG, did I just subconsciously admit that I'm getting a computer science degree so I can give my blog a facelift myself instead of paying someone else to do it?  Because.... that's not totally untrue.
3. Data algorithms is one of the hardest classes in the computer science curriculum.  In fact, I've already failed this class once before!  We're almost at the end of the semester and I'm maintaining a B average.

And now I'm going to tie this back to something random.
In Becoming, Michelle Obama was talking about the election night when President Obama was reelected and how she was in her room getting ready for the evening, before the poll results had started to come in.  She texted someone about the current election reports and never got a response back and she essentially had a downward spiral that Barak was going to lose because she didn't hear back from that person and she thought they were just trying to save her from bad news.. and no one else was coming to her, so she just had a bad feeling, then Barak came into her room a little while later and he was super happy and excited and Michelle was confused because she thought he was losing the election.. when instead, her BlackBerry glitched and she didn't have service.  In fact, her text hadn't even been sent.  She got into her own head with her own negativity and had a downward spiral and Jesus H Roosevelt Christ if that's not me to a T.. 

Just so ya know... I'm not asking for "you can do it's!", I'm just letting my brain flow out into this space.  I'm sharing my struggles with you because it's real.  It's consuming.  And I know I'm not the only one who has these moments and downward spirals.  So I'm reaching out to tell you you're not alone and I'm also comforting myself with the fact that I know I'm not alone.  I know I'm being harder on myself than I deserve.  I know that I will be successful, even if it is painful.  I know that I will have a HUGEEEE diploma frame in the office next year with my Citadel diploma on it and it will say that I graduated with a bachelor of science degree in computer science with a minor in cybersecurity (and maybe German, who knows).  I will have achieved that.  I will achieve that while getting (and staying, tyvm) married, while working full time, while maintaining a pretty full running schedule, while being a dog mom, while getting shit the fuck done.

But first.. I have to be dramatic about it.
I'm allowed that.
I allow myself that.

And..
I AM ALWAYS ENOUGH.
ALWAYS.
I AM ENOUGH.
I AM ENOUGH.
I AM ENOUGH.

....thank you for coming to my TED talk.

ZWEI - Money Shit

-Plane tickets
-Chickfila for Tuesday lunch
-Mucus Relief cough syrup from Walmart.  That shit is magical.  We have 4 bottles in our house because they changed the name and the ingredients a little and I had to stock up.  #NotSorry
-Groceries
-TSA Pre-Check
-Chegg, but I cancelled it.
-Audible credit.  I really should pause my subscription.
-Wednesday afternoon "stay awake" snack and sweet tea.
-Bojangles for Thursday breakfast after waking up at 0430.


-I have a bra I've needed to return to Victoria's Secret in my car for the last month.  I really need to take care of that.

DREI - From My Phone Shit

I made sausage gravy from scratch!
It was actually SUPER delicious.
I made it a bit too thick, but that's easy to fix!
Biscuits were frozen.  #NotSorry

When is the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.

I really should get back into taking photos of things.  But really, being baseline function is taking all my effort right now.  Sooo maybe next week will be better?

VIER - From the Internet Shit

Take heart.
Breathe deep.
You are further along than you think.
-MHN

The same light you see in others is shining within you, too. - MHN

If there are days where you feel your body is too tired to fill the room with laughter and good stories in the way your heart wants to, it is ok to not be all you feel you have to be, and to focus on breathing and being, knowing that even when you are quiter and your smile comes a little slower you are not empty, you are not not any less significant.  You are a traveler on a journey who is simply in need of rest in the arms of the kind of peace where she is free to just be. -MHN

FÜNF - Things that made me happy this week

1. Less than one month left of the semester.  Actually 13 days, at the time of posting this.  That is equally terrifying and exciting... because I'm over this shit, but also not looking forward to all the end of semester assignments my professors want to sling at me in the 9th hour.
2. Surviving this week.  
3. "White sauce week".  I made biscuits and gravy and alfredo this week.
4. Getting through the only races I have on my calendar for the indeterminate future.
5. Homework being due at 11:59pm.
6. Getting laundry accomplished before company arrived.
7. My UV sanitizing box.  It makes me feel less.. germy.
8. Selecting a 14 hour audiobook as my next listen.  The subsequent book will be either 25 or 55 hours.. so I mean.  I'm just putting off the inevitable.  That said, I'm in the market for FUNNY books to listen to, so I'm open for suggestions.
9. Being strong enough to step out of my downward spiral.  There were times when I would crash to the bottom before having to reach out for reassurance and help getting back up.  Being your own cheerleader is a funny thing.  Also, Teh German's unknowing (to my problems) hugs help. 
10. 
    

Happy Friday, Gentle Readers.