34 Years

I've been up since 0300 this morning with my brain on high and it's only 0830 and I'm, expectedly, exhausted.  Oh yeah, it's my birthday, so I'm glad that my brain was like, YAS QUEEN!  WAKE UP AND CELEBRATE YOU DAY!  Yep, at 0300!  CELEEEEBBRRRAAATTEE!!!  Jk, I'm not glad about that, but there was nothing I could do about it other than try to go back to sleep (didn't work) and think all the thoughts.  So here we are.

I pregamed most of the week prior to my birthday with the flu and it was just as epic as you can imagine.  I am still confident that death would have been preferable to enduring that garbage again.  Spending all that time alone in bed gave me plenty of time to have loopy, Tamiflu/cough syrup induced thoughts.

In addition to that good time, Teh German and I haven't been on the same page in such a long time that if I wasn't exhausted from being awake since 0300 or recovering from the flu, that alone would make me weary.

Continuing on, a phone call with Teh Dad on Saturday got under my skin and I came to a decision around 0345 this morning and acted on that decision this morning after I received a HBD text from Teh Dad.

Finally, I rarely set any yearly goals in January because I just don't know what to goals to set that early in the year.  Based on all of the factors listed above, I finally came up with my 2020 goal.

BE BETTER.

85% of this came from my conversation with Teh Dad.  What had happened was...  I was ranting, as I do, about how crappy of a nurse Teh German had been throughout my sickness.  I felt this way for 2 reasons, 1- because he was a crappy nurse after day 1.5 of being sick since "You've been sick for way longer than I expected.", 2- because I put expectations on people who help me that they would help me in the same way I helped them when they were sick, which was to go above and beyond, mitigating any needs before they ever occurred.  Teh German always had at least one full cup of water by the bed and I also made sure that if I left, he had full water bottle and a full cup of water.  I also ensured that he ate lunch and dinner when he was in bed all day.

Teh Dad argued, "Men just aren't as good as nurses as wives.  [Stepmom] says the same thing about me.  We're not wired the same way."  Gentle Readers, go ahead and imagine what it would look like if a head exploded in a car as someone was driving..  because that almost applied.  This morning when Teh Dad texted me HBD, I finally responded that I'd been considering our conversation since Saturday, without as much medication in my system and had feelings.  This particular feeling:

If you KNOW you are deficient and not meeting expectations in some way and you are using whatever is between your legs as an excuse, it's a cop out.  BE BETTER.  That's the solution.  NOT DO better, BE better.  BE a better nurse.  Don't be shitty.

But this doesn't just apply to taking care of your significant other when they are sick, it applies to everyone all the time.  JUST BE BETTER.  I can admit that I will have to really make an effort to BE BETTER in some ways (i.e. traffic/road rage) and there are times that I put 1000% of me into making sure I'm doing my best (i.e. taking care of Teh German when he is sick or needs moral support).  Being better is a give-and-take situation.  Sometimes, being better will look different from one moment to the next, from one person to another.  But to BE BETTER is not an impossible goal.

Do not let yourself settle for "good enough" when BETTER is minimal to no more effort than "good enough" would take.

Be better for your spouse.
Be better for your kid/s/dog/s/pet/s.
Be better for your friends.
Be better for your community.
Be better for strangers.
But mostly...
BE BETTER FOR YOU.