I am very self-aware/practice extreme self-actualizing, to the point that it's rather obnoxious. This means I'm ALWAYS looking for the WHY do I feel this way/do this thing? A rather vicious never ending cycle, TBH.
So anyways, today in therapy (yup), it was mentioned that anxiety is heightened in unfamiliar situations (i.e. COVID times) and our personal processing machine (i.e. your brain (while seemingly very complicated is rather simple and basic)) formulates a plan/reacts in ways to get the LEAST negative result from an experience. So if your first experience in a new situation is negative, your brain will automatically go back to that situation until you train your brain NOT to return to that situation, but instead, the positive experience that may have occurred later that is more difficult to mold your reactions to.
Logically, this makes completely sense to me, but it still kinda felt like a revelation. Because I, sometimes, have several bad experiences from the start so a good experience is always a surprise. While I tend to joke about those bad experiences, it doesn't mean they weren't still bad, but I have always gave myself such shit for reacting in certain ways after certain bad experiences (that I'm a control freak or manipulator to mold things how I want them to be) and now maybe I see that it was self-preservation all along.
And, as always (it seems), I ultimately end up back at, "Maybe you should be more gentle with yourself and give yourself some grace?" I've said it for a long time that I'm my worst enemy and I prove it to myself over and over again.
So here's your reminder and my reminder...
Give yourself some grace.
You're only human and you are a squishy machine filled with chemicals and fluids that sometimes misfire and make your extra squishy upstairs parts react poorly thus affecting your entire life without you even knowing what is happening.
Patience.
And grace.
For yourself... and for everyone else.